MeToo

#MeToo

I keep starting to write this, then stop. I minimize what happened to me, because it wasn't major, but it stuck with me all these years.

Lee was the cool guy in the neighborhood. All the moms liked him, the dads did too. He was cool and he drove a conversion van, back when they were cool.

I was a young teen, maybe just on the cusp, 12, maybe 13 years old. We were hanging out somewhere with a group of people.

Lee suddenly grabbed me and held me on his lap. He groped my chest and said he was checking to see if had any boobs yet. I did, they were just starting to grow, and they hurt when pawed at.

I tried to get away but he held me close in his lap.

There were other people around that did nothing. I don't know who they were at this point, but I assume they were neighborhood friends.

I fought him, pushing and yelling for him to let me go. He was hurting me and he was humiliating me. But he was bigger and stronger and there was nothing I could do until he let me go.

It was the first time I understood that I didn't completely own my own body autonomy. If some man wanted to grab me and restrain me, there wasn't a lot I could do about it.

That was all he did and it wasn't terribly traumatic, but it has stuck with me.

it's not so bad

Why is the American media so hateful recently. Everything seems like a huge rolling ball of inevitable doom.

I was just thinking about when I was younger. Lake Erie caught fire, the neighbors still had supplies in their basement bunker because of the cold war. We are richer, cleaner and far safer than we were back then, but you would think the sky was falling.

I know, I know, Japan is reeling from a triple whammy, the Muslim world is in a bit of turmoil, but frankly, it's not so bad. Well, ok, Japan will take a while to recover. But they will recover, they are a very stoic people, and face it, they have done this before.

Global warming, Aztec calendar (or is it Inca), blahdy blah. I am not worried, stop trying to freak me out.

Are you happy

The test results are back and everything is ok. Fibroadenoma, no big deal. My doctor is off to New Zealand for a year so I will be going back in a couple of months for a check. Other than that it is back to normal.

My Dad asked if I was happy: Interesting question. I feel like asking all of my friends this question. I am guessing two would say yes and the rest would say "meh". At the moment I am in the "meh" category as well. But what to do about it, how to rectify the situation. Work is good although I don't have the same bond with my coworkers. My guess is that what I had previously was rare.

I want to Dance with the devil in the pale moonlight.

Ton of bricks

What the hell was that. Ok so I guess I don't have a handle on this completely. Sigh, the results will be in on Tuesday or Wednesday. I can keep it together for a couple more days (I think).

I guess freaking out in the middle of the night is better than freaking out at work or at lunch. That would be worse. The cats don't seem to mind. 2:40 in the morning, wtf.

biopsy

Today I had a biopsy of a lump in my breast. That was a strange experience. Before today my surgery experience consisted of tonsils and wisdom teeth. This was a little more involved than either of those (that I remember anyway). I had an IV for sedation and local anesthetic which is just now starting to wear off. So now my boob hurts, great. Good times all around.

My friend Mike took me there and took me home (oh and bought me a Gorilla). Good guy, and good friend.

I will get results on Wednesday afternoon at the latest. I am not very worried, most of the women in my family have had similar experiences. The only breast cancer in my family is with two great aunts (grandmothers two sisters). But neither seemed to be affected by it and lived into their 80's.

Ouch.

I quit smoking

I think it's been long enough to declare success. I quit smoking on February 26th. Breathing is much better now and I am over the worst of the cravings. I only occasionally have a little craving that is easy to handle.

WOOHOO

So what is the next step

I am writing this because of an urge to put my thoughts down on "paper". Why? Well I am single for the first time in years. How many years? Not sure... don't want to think about it... suffice it to say, more than 10.

So like the title says, what is the next step. I am out of practice in this being single thing. I started writing down why I am better of without him. Then I got carried away and ended up here.